|Light of Venus|
These dark winter months call many of us to turn inward into our womb like nature for deep reflection. For me, the last few months in particular have been very energetically and emotionally charged. Time has seemed to become a blur and also pass very slowly at the same time. I rested in self nourishment on the Winter Solstice integrating the last 40 days of chanting a very powerful mantra, So Purkh, and how mantra has brought immeasurable depth to my personal practice.
Chanting mantra is quite common in many Kundalini Yoga classes. The specific rhythms and sound current is often what initially attracts beginners to this practice. These mantras are designed specifically to cut through the ego so that one’s Truth is unveiled. That is why it is called the Shabad Guru, a special sound that is a teacher. It allows one to unite the personal and Infinite experience of and within one’s self. Some feel hesitant to chant initially, due to feeling that it is projecting a certain faith, religion, or belief. However, Yogi Bhajan was very clear in expressing his thoughts on this by saying, “We do not need another religion. We need the experience of a lifestyle or path- a dharma- that creates the spiritual fitness to act believably on our beliefs. The Shabd Guru is a special kind of technology with a unique contribution to develop potentials and handle the problems of the new age-The Aquarian Age….in each person’s consciousness it builds the clarity to act with fearless integrity” (p.77, The Aquarian Teacher). I’ve chanted quite a few mantras since my first discovery of Kundalini Yoga, often finding that no matter how many times I’ve chanted the same mantra, it reaches a part of my soul in a unique way. The last 40 days in particular have brought insight not only into a new relationship with the the Shabad Guru but the powerful effects it has had on my life and the relationship of myself and with others.
My intention to start chanting So Purkh was very different on the first day compared to the last day. My ego felt empowered knowing that I am this strong woman chanting a Shabd for a very special man in my life. What better way to be of service than through the strength of a woman’s connection with the Divine? My focus and dedication would be towards elevating this man’s circumstances so he could be prosperous amongst all the transitions he was going through. It would also bring clarity to our relationship and cut through any negativity between us. After one of my teachers, Ramdesh Kaur, strongly suggested that I recite this mantra she said something that left me confused for quite some time. Although I perceived that I was already doing so much, she asked that I ask myself in what ways I need to help him. It was clear that I needed to keep the message close to my heart due to the resistance of receiving these words.
The following days proceeded with not so subtle hints to revisit my behavioral and relationship patterns with men. The ways these patterns were revealed in deeper levels were surprising. Within the first two weeks I soon began to receive much healing of my past through a variety of insights during meditation and also being physically confronted with past relationships that needed karmic healing and completion. These series of serendipitous events were starting to become comical. It didn’t take long to notice that my intention for chanting So Purkh needed to be tweaked. Once again, I was learning what it truly meant to be of service to another. As I continued to chant So Purkh I noticed my perception and ideologies embodying the actions of giving and receiving. About half way through my 40 days I noticed my focus transitioning from him towards myself. The small part of me felt selfish for redirecting this focus, especially since there wasn’t much externally changing in this man’s situation. Nonetheless, I kept doing my part and focused on giving what I could. As resentment and frustration slowly began to build, I noticed that the giving also needed to be equally balanced with receiving. A big part of it was once again healing the blockage of allowing to receiving. I began to understand that having clarity about my own personal needs was important, but it would be of no value if I wasn’t open to receiving. Furthermore, I had to ask myself if I was even clear in knowing and expressing those personal needs.
I continued to sit with this lack of clarity only to be confronted with more issues surrounding patience, commitment to myself/others, self worth and self compassion. I soon came to a crossroads where there was nothing to do but surrender to the Divine and Trust the unknown with fearlessness, knowing whatever outcome came to me I would be infinitely supported. The more I tried to work at this Trust thing, the more it became less clear and less tangible.
One morning I was completing my practice and I felt the presence of Yogi Bhajan compassionately holding me yet at the same time telling me to stop feeling sorry for myself. This helped me get out of the trenches of my mind and take action. Within a day or so I came to a better understanding that I must learn to receive by expressing my Truth and be open to all outcomes. On the 38th day everything seemed to consolidate and become more clear. The unknown was still very tangible, but I had a different relationship with it because I opened up to a different relationship with myself. For the first time I was able to express my Truth and my needs with remarkable clarity and ease. I was able to speak what I needed from the voice of my Highest Self. At the same time I felt the most vulnerable than I ever had been with another.
Despite being vulnerable I felt protected and supported knowing that the support originated from within. Although I still had questions about the future in many aspects of my life besides my relationship, they weren’t fueled by fear. In the end, I was filled with gratitude not only for the healing I received but the unfolding of the prosperity that was coming into my life throughout the process in many different ways. Through this I also remembered that when I don’t think I have enough, I have to be even more thankful for what I already have. The message from my teacher came back to me full circle. In order to be of service to this man and to heal the relationship I have with him, I can only do that through myself. I still may not know the outcome will be, but I do know that when I surrender to my Truth, I am being of compassionate service to another in the highest form. As daylight slowly starts to emerge throughout the remaining winter months, I sit in quiet reflection and gratitude for this Shabad and sharing authentic vulnerability with another so that we may experience a glimpse of the unconditional love of the Divine.